I give up

I hit a point today where I just told God, "I give up."

"This is Your battle, You are in charge, You can see the bigger picture, I've got nothing left, I give up!"

Our hearts are weary, we are frustrated, sad, and doing our best not to turn on each other.

We've been trusting God and HOPING that each day would be The Day, week after week after week. We are on week 8 of waiting, with no forward movement, no reasons being told to us, and knowing that every other family is out of the running.

We keep getting encouraged by caseworkers that everything is in our favor and this person wants us and this other person wants us and they aren't looking at any other families and if they were going to turn us down they would have already... but still nothing concrete. Nothing to tell the handfuls of people that ask for an update each week, we are still heading to the mountains with friends this weekend, minus one adorable 5 yr old who we thought for sure would be with us and playing in the snow with his new buddies.

Honestly, a huge part of me doesn't even want to go. I know we will have a great time with our friends but everywhere we go lately we feel like we aren't complete.

Lord, I have known from the beginning that this is in Your hands, and I have "given" it over to you at least a hundred times but it's not making it any easier, it's not making me ache to know my son any less. Lord, once again we give this to You, please fight for us, for him, quickly.

We are as sure as we can be that this is our son. So, we wait. We aren't even sure what we are waiting for anymore since there has been no news for 7 weeks, no communication as to a plan for them to make their final decision, no idea when they will take that step. I have never felt so powerless and so fragile. I don't want to talk about it most of the time, but it's all I can think about all of the time. We just want our little boy. Please pray for something, anything to move forward this week and for peace for our hearts.

Mostly, pray for peace in his heart. I can't imagine being a little boy with out a home or parents, or friends, or a school or anything at all to call his own, nothing and no one that he can count on being there tomorrow.

Sweet boy,

We think about you all the time and can't wait to have you home with us. We wish so badly that you were coming away with us this weekend. We know you will love Rocko, Jack, Auntie Julie and Mick, but I promise we will do this again with them and make such fun memories together. God doesn't always make sense to us, but we have learned to trust Him anyway. We love you with our whole hearts and we will be together soon.

Mommy and Daddy