All at once!

There is so much happening all at once. Literally in this moment many things are happening and just in general this month, much is going on. I have a quick minute for some reflection before the dryer is finished so this is going to be unedited thoughts from me during a nuts time in my life ;)

"God works in mysterious ways", feels very real right now. A few friends have asked me if I am overwhelmed, and until two nights ago when I had to leave our house and the endless painting and come to the apartment to eat ice-cream and watch How I Met Your Mother...other than that night I'm not really overwhelmed. Friends have asked me if i'm scared. "Doesn't the foster care system scare you?", "Does the thought of taking on a 5 yr old scare you?" "Isn't this all a little bit scary?" Honestly, my answer has been, no. Fear is not what I am feeling. As caseworkers present little boys to us, tell us their heartache, their story and ask if we want to know more, we do. When we read books and talk to other parents and watch videos online of speakers, fear is not what I feel. I feel sadness, sadness for them, for their mom who messed up too many times to get them back, sadness for me and Drew that we couldn't protect them, that we didn't even know their face until now. I feel determined. Determined to walk through this journey God has us on with perseverance when it's too much, when I don't know what I am doing, when I want to give up. We have hope, we know God has this path for us and we know He has great plans for our little boy. We know He wants healing and restoration for him way more than we do and we believe that if we are willing and seek Him that He will use us to help that happen.

We are so very close to knowing who God has for us and right along with all the serious feelings we are having we are so excited! Excited to see his face, to know him, to put his room together with some of his favorite things and pray over him as he sleeps. We can't wait to be parents and we are not scared. At first I was hesitant to tell people we aren't scared because I didn't want anyone to think we are under educated or naive, but now I just really think we have God's peace that passes all understanding. He has us in this place and He is right here with us. These lyrics are playing in my head as I write this...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other

Our God is Healer, awesome in power, Our God, Our God...

(Chris Tomlin, Our God)

I have never done anything before that I have known more clearly that God is with us than what we are doing with adoption.

Hey little guy, we are so close to getting to know who you are! We pray for you a lot, we pray that God would begin healing your heart and planting hope that you will have a mommy and daddy soon who will never leave you and never hurt you. I know that is hard for you to believe because your tiny heart has already been through so much and been hurt so many times but after some time you will believe us. Daddy and I painted your room the other night, we just went with a boring color so that you can tell us what you like and then we will paint again! I am so tired of painting but for you little guy I will paint whatever color you want! We have a few books and clothes for you already and the bed that Daddy slept in when he was little. Our friends have even been collecting little things for you and can't wait to meet you! We have the sweetest, most amazing friends, you are already so loved! I love you so much and I pray that even though we haven't met that the love I have for you is with you, that you feel it when you drift to sleep at night, or when you are scared or lonely, or maybe when you are celebrating something fun. I pray that you are safe and that God whispers our love to you in every quiet moment. You've already changed our lives and we don't even know your name, I will tell you more about how later :) See you soon sweet boy.

Love you, Mommy