Just as I am writing this I am remembering the summer after my freshman year of college. I had taken my camera on a camping trip gone wrong the previous fall and it had gotten wet and ruined. I didn't have the money to spend on a new camera and it had been months since I had been able to take a picture of something I wanted to remember. I just wasn't documenting my life how I had hoped. I remember coming to a conclusion one day though. The places I was going, the things I was seeing, the memories I was making... all of those things just belonged to me and whoever I was in the moment with. I know it sounds cheesy but it is truly what got me through my time with out a camera.
So, as I was thinking about how I just haven't been documenting this process how I wanted to, and I thought over the things that have happened, tears shed, prayers whispered, questions asked, feelings hurt, understanding felt, support offered, conversations had, hands held, hugs given I realized maybe those things don't need documented how I thought they did. Maybe those things just live in me, and with the people who were there with me. I don't remember everything that happened those months with out my camera, but I'm pretty sure I remember the things that mattered. This doesn't mean I am going to stop keeping boxes and boxes of "keepsakes"; notes written, pictures drawn, encouragement given. I'm not done taking pictures, spending hours looking through them and wanting to document all the little and the important things.
I guess all I'm trying to say is that the things that are not documentable, the things I wish I could capture and revisit as often as I want are possibly not meant to be captured. Shopping for bunk beds, picking out books to read at bedtime, unexpected conversations while we should be working, listening to certain songs over and over and over in the car so I can memorize them to sing as I tuck him into bed, tears that surprise me as I pray for a kid that I've never met, excited friends asking a million questions, moments of catching Drew out of the corner of my eye and knowing he was made to be a Dad, seeing glimpses of the mom I want to be, small moments of knowing with out a doubt how gently and deeply God loves me, Drew and our little kid. Those moments and more, there's no pictures I can show you and no documentation of what was said, what was felt, what was shared, and I'm more okay with that then I was when I started writing this :) All these things are documented in me, Drew and the people we walk life with.
But, now to document some very documentable things....
I started this post last week before two major things happened!
We got a house!
And we met with our caseworker who told us we are not very far away from getting placed with a little kid! We should be all certified and just waiting to take possession of our house which will happen mid July!
We've been writing to our future kids for a while now and so I thought I'd write to this little kid on here a few times as well...
Dear little kid we've never met,
We can't wait to know you, play with you, snuggle and laugh with you. We wonder what your name is, your favorite color, if you like sports, what kind of birthday cake I will get to make for you and what color you will want us to paint your new room. We hope and pray that wherever you are, you are being loved and taken care of. We pray for God to protect you, your little body and heart and to plant seeds of hope that He loves you and that very soon you will have a mommy and daddy. We aren't going to be perfect but we will never leave you. You will have aunties, uncles, cousins, grandparents and lots of friends who already love you too. I know your life is scary and so uncertain right now, but we are getting to you as fast as we can! I pray you sleep sweet tonight with God's peace that passes all understanding. Daddy and I will see you soon... Love, Mommy
