Thankful for littles

Today I am thankful for all the wonderful little people in my life.  Ones that aren't family but feel like it.  My friends have the most adorable, sweetest kids and I am so blessed and honored to get to love on them and be loved by them!

And these are just a few...

11.7.11

One year ago today I was making phone calls, leaving messages, getting calls coming in on the other line on each call I took.  I had been waiting, but that day I realized just how much "we" had been waiting for this. You laughed and cried and celebrated and dreamed with us.  I realized as I was falling in love with my sweet boy over the waiting, you had been too.  You love him simply because he is mine, and I don't think anything in the world means more to me than that.

After a exhausting weekend of fun mixed with tears and anxiety I woke up Monday morning feeling defeated.  I had just prayed a prayer suggested by a friend that went something like, "I cannot keep waiting God, so you either need to make this stop or give me some super power to keep walking through it." I guess I wasn't in line for a super power because He ended the waiting!

My phone rang and the voice on the other line said, "Congratulations, you have been chosen to be Anthony's adoptive family!" Details came next but I don't remember another word. I hung up, called Drew and the best phase of our life began. We were parents.  Even though we knew on August 17th that he was our son, and I had been his mommy in my heart since that night, it was such a relief to have his team finally make that decision!

There was a RRC staff dinner that night and we showed these photos of our boy about 100x!  We couldn't have been more proud, more excited to start our life with him!

This is the first photo I ever saw of my sweet boy!

 A face I now know so very well....

Those photos seem so long ago, I barely recognize my boy in them anymore! He has grown so much! Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually.  This kid is incredible and I can't believe God chose me to be his mommy.

Us a year ago celebrating before dinner!

Being excited with some best friends!

His very first special gifts given the next night by some amazing best friends who would end up being some of Anthony's very favorite people!

And a very special gift I wear almost every day from my sweet friends! 

Thank you again, Rachel, Jill, Jess, Laura, Adrienne & Julie

So, today I am thankful, so very thankful for that phone call, for this boy and for the lifetime we have ahead of us, together!

A gift gathered, given, good...

#1. Gathered

Red Rocks Church We are so thankful for this community, this family we have found.  Some of the most incredible people I know gather together each week to live out our mission statement, Connect.  Connect with God, Connect with people and Connect people with God.  I am proud to say this is where I "gather".

#2. Given

The sweet friends and family who posted something about Orphan Sunday today.  That feels like a gift given to me, my boy and all the orphans right here in our county who are waiting for their very own mommy and daddy.

#3. Good

These boys getting to be together and be brothers even though they are growing up in different homes. Having sleepovers, trick or treating, meeting for park and lunch dates, bedtime facetime calls, this is Good.

3 gifts that start with N...

#1. Nieces:

My sweet, sassy, smart, tons of fun Gracie Love!

 My beautiful, smarty, funny, athletic way too grown up first ever niece.  This girl made me an auntie and I love being hers!

 #2. Nephews

Tommy was the first boy to steal my heart and is now a handsome, sweet, kind talented young man.  His little brother will forever be a baby to me even though he is also a handsome, kind, sweet and talented little boy well on his way to being taller than me in no time.

Cage is one of the sweetest little guys ever, I love seeing his karate moves! I don't get to see these boys near as much as this auntie would like! Cash is our newest family member and SUPER adorable!

Jacob is turing 6 this week and I got to meet him on his 1st birthday in Guatemala, so it's sort of our 5 yr anniversary of being buddies!  Not only is he adorable but he brings so much joy to our family 

And our little Nico! I couldn't be prouder to call this boy my nephew :) Anthony's little brother has such a special place in our life and we love our chatty, animated, cute as can be little buddy so very much!

#3.  Our little family can't get enough of Nella's! One of our favorite warm day treats is Nella's and a walk around the lake :)

30 Days of Gratitude

I am already running late!

Okay, this blog is now public again since our adoption is finalized and no one is scrutinizing our life :)

I love November because I love Thanksgiving and my birthday! I love everyones birthdays :)

I am going to say 3 things I am thankful for each day and mostly using Ann Voskamps prompts because she rocks. (My friend Tami does this and I am copying:)

Here is what I will be following...

Day 1. Gifts Eaten...
Chocolate chip pumpkin bread
A's halloween candy
Tacos, because they are my favorite and my sister in law always remembers that :)

Day 2. Gifts Worn...
My old CCU sweatshirt
My running shoes as I learn to enjoy my runs
My bright blue cords

Thank you

On Saturday Anthony will have been living with us for 4 weeks.  On November 7th we got THE CALL that his team of caseworkers had FINALLY chosen us as his adoptive family!  Although we had known he was ours since August 17th when the first line of an email from his caseworker read, "Hi Gina, Here is information related to the questions you asked about Anthony. Anthony’s middle name is Daniel..."

As most of you know I prayed for God to give us clarity when it came to his middle name.  It felt like a silly prayer at the time but it was answered so very sweetly.  You see, Daniel is Drew's middle name and when we started talking baby names we decided that each child would have their middle name after someone significant and we would for sure use Daniel.  When we chose to adopt to begin our family we decided we would add Daniel to our sons name as a double middle so he would have that part of his Daddy's legacy.  So, you can see when I got that email how Anthony Daniel settled in to our hearts to stay, forever.  He was meant for us and we knew it with out a doubt from that day forward.

This seems like a great time to say thank you. We had a few of you who NEVER questioned us, never used "if you have Anthony" but always used "when".  When we told you we knew he was ours, my prayer had been answered and we had never been so sure about anything in our lives, you chose to believe with us. The process wasn't going our way and taking longer than it was supposed to and near the end everything seemed to be pointing to the possibility of us never meeting Anthony let alone being his mommy and daddy forever.  We had well meaning people not want us to get hurt, not wanting us to get too attached in case it didn't work out, we even had our caseworker ask us if we had a support plan for if we weren't chosen.  Almost everyone was giving up hope, but we weren't.  And neither were a few of you and for that we couldn't be more thankful.

If you can believe it we even had a few people try and talk us out of adopting at all, especially an older child because of course he would be damaged beyond repair.  I am not going to get into that though because it makes me incredibly angry and I will start using bad words and calling names like, uneducated, heartless and selfish.  Yes, so lets move on.

THANK YOU, you know who you are, you never stopped believing with us, never warned us to guard our hearts or prepare for the worst. You weren't uncomfortable with it being a messy process or the frustration and tears that came along with waiting.  You didn't try and  patch things up with common christian cliche's or suggest we wait differently.  You just believed with us, walked with us and in the end you celebrated with us! 

Here are some of our favorites so far :)

Flowers from Drew's work

First family pics

We are loving baking together!

His first night in his very own bed @ his very own mommy & daddy's house!

Move in day!  Our sweet friends surprised us with this

Snuggling

 Striking a pose? ;)

Painting and giggling with Aunt Kelli

Visiting Evergreen for some Beau Jo's

Cousins

I give up

I hit a point today where I just told God, "I give up."

"This is Your battle, You are in charge, You can see the bigger picture, I've got nothing left, I give up!"

Our hearts are weary, we are frustrated, sad, and doing our best not to turn on each other.

We've been trusting God and HOPING that each day would be The Day, week after week after week. We are on week 8 of waiting, with no forward movement, no reasons being told to us, and knowing that every other family is out of the running.

We keep getting encouraged by caseworkers that everything is in our favor and this person wants us and this other person wants us and they aren't looking at any other families and if they were going to turn us down they would have already... but still nothing concrete. Nothing to tell the handfuls of people that ask for an update each week, we are still heading to the mountains with friends this weekend, minus one adorable 5 yr old who we thought for sure would be with us and playing in the snow with his new buddies.

Honestly, a huge part of me doesn't even want to go. I know we will have a great time with our friends but everywhere we go lately we feel like we aren't complete.

Lord, I have known from the beginning that this is in Your hands, and I have "given" it over to you at least a hundred times but it's not making it any easier, it's not making me ache to know my son any less. Lord, once again we give this to You, please fight for us, for him, quickly.

We are as sure as we can be that this is our son. So, we wait. We aren't even sure what we are waiting for anymore since there has been no news for 7 weeks, no communication as to a plan for them to make their final decision, no idea when they will take that step. I have never felt so powerless and so fragile. I don't want to talk about it most of the time, but it's all I can think about all of the time. We just want our little boy. Please pray for something, anything to move forward this week and for peace for our hearts.

Mostly, pray for peace in his heart. I can't imagine being a little boy with out a home or parents, or friends, or a school or anything at all to call his own, nothing and no one that he can count on being there tomorrow.

Sweet boy,

We think about you all the time and can't wait to have you home with us. We wish so badly that you were coming away with us this weekend. We know you will love Rocko, Jack, Auntie Julie and Mick, but I promise we will do this again with them and make such fun memories together. God doesn't always make sense to us, but we have learned to trust Him anyway. We love you with our whole hearts and we will be together soon.

Mommy and Daddy

Update on waiting...

We are still waiting. Small things happen each week that let us know we are not going backwards, but we are not really moving forwards either. We are pretty much standing still.

Anthony's caseworker has sent our home study to his GAL who is a lawyer appointed as an advocate for him. And that's where it sits.

I will be talking to his caseworker again this week and asking a few more questions, but other than that, there's nothing we can do until they tell us they want to come for a home visit. His caseworker says that 4 of them will make the decision if they think we will be a good fit and then they will call for a home visit.

Before we left on our trip last week I was anxious, sad and didn't have very much peace but I came home with lots of peace and am doing my best to continue to trust that God see's way more than I do and that His plan is perfect for us and for our little guy.

I was playing baseball with my friend's two boys the other night at the park and couldn't help but picture Drew and our little man there too next summer, or even next month. I realized as much as I am not into sports that I could learn and play and watch whatever our guys wants me to :) I had a blast with Rocko and Jack and can't wait to add our guy to the lineup (is that a baseball term?:) Rocko has already offered to teach him all about sports, so he's one lucky kid!

Here's a few of my favorite moments over the last week. I am trying my best to stay in the moment and live present right now in the wonderful life I have instead of constantly longing for life with our little guy.

Beautiful beach, sunshine, new friends to laugh with and my handsome, happy, relaxed, suntanned husband. Those are things I could have missed out on...

waiting...

One time a sweet southern grandma whom I adore, called me patient among a few other sweet things. She said it to my very sweet & patient sister in law, Sarah. Sarah laughed.

Okay, so I'm not the most patient person. If you know me at all, you know this. I have however come a long way in the past few years in the area but I am still never going to be called patient and not laughed at :)

So, we are waiting. Waiting, and waiting more. I have dreams about kids in our house, about holding a little hand as we cross the street, new school clothes and I tend to linger at the backpacks a little too long as I walk past. Which by the way, when did backpacks get sooo expensive?

We have nothing else to do on our end, but wait. Pray. Wait. Distract ourselves with WAY TOO MANY house projects and wait some more.

So, that's what's going on. I email who I can, talk to the right people about some kids waiting out there. Think about our little boy, try not to think about someone else tucking him in at night and picking out his new backpack with him. I wonder what he wants to be for halloween, if he will want to trick or treat? I wonder if anywhere in his little heart he knows we are coming for him. Then we wait some more.

I had my itunes on random country music this morning and heard this line...

"Blood is thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood."

Now, I know Garth wasn't talking about adoption, but that's all I could think about.

I may have teared up, I may have thought about how much we love a little boy we've never met. I may have thought about all the people in our life who are so ready to love him too, no matter who he is. I may have tears in my eyes as I type this. I may.

And I may be having a hard time right now being patient.

This is the one decoration we have for his room so far, until we know what he likes...

Sending our home study :)

Our amazing caseworker will be sending our home study out today to 4 different caseworkers about 4 separate little boys. Tomorrow she will send our home study out to every county in Colorado as well so if there is a little boy we don't know about who could be a match they will contact us as well. At this point we are inquiring on every little boy under the age of 8 :) We feel peace that God has our little guy chosen and we just need to keep going through the process to getting to him. So we will wait and hear if any of these boys caseworkers will call us for a meeting. These are the next steps:

1. We get a call from a caseworker who invites us in for a meeting with everyone on the little boy's, "team" this can be up to 20 people :) They ask us questions and get a good feel for us as a family
2. If they still like us for him and we feel led to move forward with that little guy then we go in for another meeting but the tables are turned and they present the child to us. We ask as many questions as we can think of but we are not allowed to give answer about moving forward in this meeting.
3. We pray and sit with all the info we have and if we decide yes, then we meet our little boy and begin our transition!

Transition will look different for each child. It could be fast over a couple weeks or it could be slow over a months time. We obviously are hoping for fast :) During this time we will spend evenings and have him sleepover, give him his book we've made that many of you helped with, start personalizing his room, buy him some new things, enroll him in school (if he is old enough) and start making plans for him to be in our life forever!

We obviously cant wait to meet our son, but know that God's timing is best. Every big plan Drew and I have ever made has been interrupted and either completely changed or at least tweaked by God's ultimate plan so we are aware that none of this is in our control. We are just going to keep moving forward holding our plans loosely and listening carefully for His voice. Patience is key right now so pray that we continue to have His peace that passes all understanding.

Hey sweet boy,

We have done everything we can to get to you as fast as possible, but now we wait. We wait for a phone call or an email, we wait for meetings and all of this will be happening before you even know about us. I really hope it's only weeks until we get to meet you, if it was up to me it would be hours, but we trust that God has all of this in His hands. We pray that as soon as you are told about us your heart feels peace, that when you meet us you know you are loved, wanted and that you belong with us forever. We are already praying for your heart and little body to be healed by The God who created you. We know He has an amazing plan for your life little man. He has known since before you were born that you would be ours and us yours. I know it is hard to believe that there is a God who loves you when you have experienced so much pain in your little life, we can talk about that as much as you'd like. God created you and He has a beautiful plan to redeem all the hurts in your life, we are here to walk with you every step of the way. God has done great things for Mommy and Daddy and we will tell you about those too. My arms ache for you sweet boy, see you soon.

Love you, Mommy

Approved...

I didn't mean to post that but decided to leave it ;) I was going to elaborate and say that as of today our home study has been approved, my finger prints were found and processed, a very long couple weeks of moving, painting, remodeling, VBS, friends in town... is over. Your prayers have meant and continue to mean so much to us, so thank you!!!

We have NO plans tonight other than our caseworker coming over to have us review our approved home study :) We are going to relax together and try not to do anything productive. Then tomorrow back to responsibilities but only after we sleep in past 6am :)

Hey little guy,

We are so close to getting to know who you are and we can't wait! We already love you like crazy and are so excited to have you home with us. There are so many people praying for you sweet boy, you are so loved and so wanted. We are getting to you as fast as we can, see you very soon!

Love you, Mommy

Approved.

All at once!

There is so much happening all at once. Literally in this moment many things are happening and just in general this month, much is going on. I have a quick minute for some reflection before the dryer is finished so this is going to be unedited thoughts from me during a nuts time in my life ;)

"God works in mysterious ways", feels very real right now. A few friends have asked me if I am overwhelmed, and until two nights ago when I had to leave our house and the endless painting and come to the apartment to eat ice-cream and watch How I Met Your Mother...other than that night I'm not really overwhelmed. Friends have asked me if i'm scared. "Doesn't the foster care system scare you?", "Does the thought of taking on a 5 yr old scare you?" "Isn't this all a little bit scary?" Honestly, my answer has been, no. Fear is not what I am feeling. As caseworkers present little boys to us, tell us their heartache, their story and ask if we want to know more, we do. When we read books and talk to other parents and watch videos online of speakers, fear is not what I feel. I feel sadness, sadness for them, for their mom who messed up too many times to get them back, sadness for me and Drew that we couldn't protect them, that we didn't even know their face until now. I feel determined. Determined to walk through this journey God has us on with perseverance when it's too much, when I don't know what I am doing, when I want to give up. We have hope, we know God has this path for us and we know He has great plans for our little boy. We know He wants healing and restoration for him way more than we do and we believe that if we are willing and seek Him that He will use us to help that happen.

We are so very close to knowing who God has for us and right along with all the serious feelings we are having we are so excited! Excited to see his face, to know him, to put his room together with some of his favorite things and pray over him as he sleeps. We can't wait to be parents and we are not scared. At first I was hesitant to tell people we aren't scared because I didn't want anyone to think we are under educated or naive, but now I just really think we have God's peace that passes all understanding. He has us in this place and He is right here with us. These lyrics are playing in my head as I write this...

And if Our God is for us, then who could ever stop us

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Our God is greater, our God is stronger

God You are higher than any other

Our God is Healer, awesome in power, Our God, Our God...

(Chris Tomlin, Our God)

I have never done anything before that I have known more clearly that God is with us than what we are doing with adoption.

Hey little guy, we are so close to getting to know who you are! We pray for you a lot, we pray that God would begin healing your heart and planting hope that you will have a mommy and daddy soon who will never leave you and never hurt you. I know that is hard for you to believe because your tiny heart has already been through so much and been hurt so many times but after some time you will believe us. Daddy and I painted your room the other night, we just went with a boring color so that you can tell us what you like and then we will paint again! I am so tired of painting but for you little guy I will paint whatever color you want! We have a few books and clothes for you already and the bed that Daddy slept in when he was little. Our friends have even been collecting little things for you and can't wait to meet you! We have the sweetest, most amazing friends, you are already so loved! I love you so much and I pray that even though we haven't met that the love I have for you is with you, that you feel it when you drift to sleep at night, or when you are scared or lonely, or maybe when you are celebrating something fun. I pray that you are safe and that God whispers our love to you in every quiet moment. You've already changed our lives and we don't even know your name, I will tell you more about how later :) See you soon sweet boy.

Love you, Mommy

Wherever You Are, my love will find you

I wanted you more than you ever will know, so I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It's as high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf. You will never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain... climb up to the sky!

My love will find you. My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb! My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends... if you're working... or playing... or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy... paint 'til you're blue...There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely, or someday you're sad, or you strike out at baseball, or think you've been bad... just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair. That's me, my sweet boy, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea...in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...in the sound crickets make at the end of the day... "You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...and my love will find you wherever you are.

You are loved.

Wherever You Are, my love will find you

By Nancy Tillman

This is one of the two books we have purchased to read to our sweet boy. We met with our caseworker again last night and she told us to start asking around and deciding what pediatrician we are going to use, what school or preschool our kid will attend... start getting ready.

We could have a little boy in our lives as soon as the end of July. That is the earliest, and there is always the chance it could be months away but she seems to think it will move fairly quickly for us from this point.

So, for lack of a better word, I do feel myself nesting...which is hard when we aren't in our house. I can't get his room ready, I can't buy him anything because we aren't sure who "he" is yet... there's not a lot I can do. So, I find myself reading these books and praying for him, wondering about him, dreaming about him, even thinking about him as I get my hair cut, wondering if he will think I look like a Mommy... I know it's all kind of silly.

Honestly, patience is being replaced with trouble falling asleep, daydreaming about "him", tears when I read these books or pray safety and healing over his little heart. Patience is getting harder and harder to rest in.

Any other little kid books we should buy to read our guy?

Home Study Bound!

We have another meeting with our caseworker this coming Tuesday! Then after that we have 3 more meetings on the 23rd, 28th and 30th, those will constitute our home study. The word home study is misleading because it has nothing to do with our home. It is a process of interviews that ends in a 20+ page document about us. Our actually home inspection will take place the 3rd week of July:) Hopefully, on June 30th we will get to actually talk about specific children.

Honestly, we can't wait to bring a little kid home and are spending way too much time daydreaming about his room, his birthday parties, what sports or whatever he will like to do, reading him books before bed and finding out what his favorite flavor of ice cream is. Im saying "he" because it is most likely we will be placed with a boy :)

I was talking to a friend at work today and told her we have been garage sailing and buying bunk beds off of craiglist...she just smiled and said it's just like being pregnant, I'm nesting :)

I also want to say that as much as we hoped to be placed with a little kid in August, it could take longer, so please pray that our process is quick and smooth and ends us with the little boy God has planned for us.